@Corporate_Bar_And_Grill

My friend Terry is an alcoholic and has struggled with alcoholism for years. A few years ago I ran across him at a Ravens game and he seemed okay. Not perfect. But who’s perfect? I don’t know any self described alcoholic who is ever doing amazing, but Terry was doing okay. He told me so. He was buying a hot dog with mustard and relish and he had his five year old son with him. His son’s name is Andrew. As I left to go back to my seat he asked Andrew to “quiet down. Let daddy pay for the hot dogs and then we can go back to our seats. Andrew? Andrew, watermelon. Watermelon, Andrew. Andrew, remember what we talked about when me or mommy would say ‘watermelon?’ Andrew? Remember, Andrew? Andrew, remember what ‘watermelon’ means? Andrew!”

And here’s something that’s true:

Everybody is successful goes out at the end of the day and gets fucked up at a bar because it’s the only way that humans have of decompressing and unwinding after a long day of work. Sure, there might be other ways, but bars are great! They stimulate the economy and they keep fast food chains like Checkers in business.

“You don’t go out to bars? What do you mean you don’t go out to bars? You must be weak? Why don’t you go out to bars, man? Are you saying that you’re fucking weak?!?!”

After all (we all know this) bars are the way that business gets done in this fascinating, fast paced modern age we live in. After all they seem to be the only time we can slow down enough to talk to each other and to really listen. (When was the last time that you really fucking listened?)

Bar culture: like it or hate it, it’s here to stay.

After all, bars are how we communicate. Sorry but there’s no going back. (You’re stuck here.)

And what are you, some kind of fucking luddite? (What’s wrong with you?)

“I can’t wait to make bar culture a thing here.”

“I can’t wait to figure out what drink I’m going to drink. And then once I’ve had enough of that drink, I can’t wait to figure out another drink to drink.

“I’m fucking PUMPED!”

“I’m fucking PUMPED (!!!) to see how fucked up I get.”

And the bar business is a fast paced business. It’s a discrete business. It’s a sleek business. Bars are good for business and business is good for bars. And thanks to this (and thankfully) the bar business is booming.

“Transparency!” “Wellbeing!” “Longevity!” “Love!” All in bars! Get to the fucking bars! (What are you doing? What’s wrong with you?)

And so you sit down with your boss and you tell him that this whole “bar culture” thing does not work for you. It doesn’t work for several of your coworkers either, though you’re the only one who is brave enough to stand up and say anything and, you know, good for you. You feel good about yourself for a moment before continuing. You tell your boss that you worked for several years to get to where you are now, a healthy place, a healthier place, and that you can try sipping on seltzer with lime but that that doesn’t seem like a long term solution. And at some point you are going to want to try what else is on tap and you are going to want to get fucked up because the temptation will be too high (you substitute the word “drunk” for “fucked up” because this is a work place) and you are one day going to get so drunk that you pass out and you lose memories. You used to pass out and lose memories but you don’t so much any more but if you start drinking again you will lose memories again. And you’ll spiral down. And you are scared where that will leave because it has lead to dark holes in the past. And you’d like to stay out of those holes. Because those holes only lead one place.

Your boss nods. It seems like she understands. “Stick with seltzer and lime as long as you can. (I know you need this job because you need healthcare because your mental health is poor.)”

My friend Terry threw himself off the roof of M&T Bank Stadium. He (his body) landed in the adjacent parking lot. Nobody knows how he got in there. And nobody knows where he got the Coors Light tallboy that was clutched in his right hand. (M&T has an exclusive deal with the Anheuser-Busch corporation. (Did he sneak it in? How did he do that? How dare he?)) It’s a tragedy and he was mourned by a few people at an Episcopal church someplace in pig town. I couldn’t go. I was too hung over.

Business bar culture: love it or hate it, you actually have to love it, because it’s how business gets done.