And It Was Good

Humans.

And in the end the only requirement given to the humans was to exist. They would have to exist no matter what until they could find a way to not exist any longer. This seemed like a lot and it was. After all, who wants an eternity of waking up, eating, masturbating and then sleeping? After a while it gets stale and your trash can is filled to the brim with containers from something the humans called Seamless and used tissues.

And yet there was nothing the humans could do to reverse course or to go back to the way that things were. Sure, some humans got tired of the wake up/eat/masturbate/sleep cycle and called it quits, but they were replaced by ten more humans because this is the way that it was set up. While one of those humans might see through the veil and observe the futility of their existence, the other nine would find something they called religion in words like “God” or “capitalism” or “achievement” or “power” or “money” and live out their normal and expected life cycles.

And the situation seemed dire and irreversible but then one of the humans discovered something they called “oil,” which was in the ground of the planet, and they decided to burn the oil. Burning the oil made the air around them hard to breathe, and so some of the humans were allowed to give up, and so they did, and it was good. And the other humans saw this and were jealous and thought that maybe if they could burn even more of the oil then it would make the air even harder to breathe. So they burned more of the oil and it made the air really hard to breath and also caused pain to a part of the human that was called “lungs” and the humans were excited and they leaped and jumped for joy and clutched at their lungs and coughed.

And pretty soon they had burned so much oil that the temperature of the plant began to rise and the humans knew immediately what this meant that they danced in the streets and threw parties and played music and had sex with one another. “Hooray,” all the humans said when they realized what they had done. “This will end the hideous lives we have of waking up and then eating and then masturbating and then sleeping. We have done it!” They all shook hands with one another and then they had more sex with one another and it was good.

And things were going well but then some other humans who lived in a country called The Entertainment Industry found out about the oil and the air and the rising temperature of the planet. These humans really liked to masturbate and so they were pissed and they began to yell at the humans who were burning the oil and it became a whole fucking thing. Luckily a lot of the oil had been burned and the humans had long since stayed up past midnight on a machine they called “The Doomsday Clock” and this meant that there was nothing that the humans who lived in The Entertainment Industry could do except to yell a whole bunch. They did yell a whole bunch but they eventually died out when they used up all the oxygen that The Entertainment Industry had. And it was good and the rest of the humans again jumped for joy.

And things progressed nicely for the humans and the temperature of the planet continued to rise which meant that more humans were allowed to prematurely give up on the wake up/eat/masturbate/sleep cycle in site-specific events that the humans called “genocide,” “flooding,” “food-shortages,” “terrorism,” “war,” and others. One day there were only a few humans left on the planet, and they wheezed their way through their cycles, clutching at their lungs, and they were jealous of those who had already been allowed to give up and they had dreams of what giving up would be like.

And then one day a woman human named Megan was the last of the humans stuck in the cycle and in one more day she would also be permitted to give up. She knew it was good but then she had a thought that maybe it wasn’t. Maybe all this had been a terrible mistake and maybe the wake up/eat/masturbate/sleep cycle that her parents had taught her was evil was actually good. Maybe her parents were wrong. Megan was concerned because she was questioning her previously held beliefs, which for humans was a painful, often times deadly, affliction and so with one final breath she cried out “And God Bless America!” and then she lay down and gave up. All was quiet. And all was good.

And the planet just sort of sat there, going about its business, until it was engulfed by the closest star.

And that’s all the information that we have. It’s insignificant.