Two Straight Men

Two straight men at a 2016 rally for Bernie Sanders in Union Square.

Two straight men got together and sat in a room and told each other that they were cool they were with gay people.

“I have lots of gay friends,” one of them said. “Lesbians too.”

“Me too,” said the other one. “I’ve even been to a few gay bars.”

“Me too,” said straight man number 1. “When I was living in Frankfurt, I went to them all the time. They’re great.”

“Wow, that’s a trip,” said the other straight man.

“Yeah. It was,” said the other one.

It was nice and the two straight men felt progressive as hell.

“This girl that I’m dating, you know, she’s really cute, and she has a lot of a gay guy friends, which, you know, tripped me out at first because I was like ‘Why is she hanging out with all these guys’ and then, you know, I understood, ‘cause, like, they all have boyfriends or whatever.”

“Yeah, I’ve been there man.”

“But also, like, it would have been fine if they hadn’t been gay.”

“Of course!”

“Like I’m friends with lots of women who are straight and, you know, we’re just like friends, or whatever.”

“Of course! Me too.”

“We don’t want to have sex.”

The two men made plans to hang out and do things together, but always made sure to keep space. Not get too close. They talked about their jobs and about their families and about the women that they were having sex with. They drank whiskey and beer and wine and traded THC vape pens. They had a favorite bar they would go to on Sunday night to mourn the passing of the weekend and they would buy shots for Stephen, the bartender. Stephen hated these two straight men. Every Sunday night he would go home and vomit and drink coconut water. He would take his son, Derek to school, and be hung over, and worry that he was not a good father. The customer is always right.

Both straight men voted for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 primary and considered not voting at all in the 2016 general. That night, they reassured each other that they had voted, although they both also doubt the other’s voting record to this day. They have both donated to the Sanders 2020 campaign.

Both men have watched what is arguably too much pornography and it has affected them. When they fall asleep at night they dream of large breasts and shaved vaginas. They dream of young women “discovering” that they are actually lesbians during a college pillow fight. They dream of penises. Neither one wants to talk about this with his therapist that his parents pay for though there have been ample opportunities to do so. They have run out of things to talk to their therapists about and mostly just sit there in silence.

They both listen to late 90s rock when they jog.

They both drink too much but are unsure of how else to go about socializing.

“How was your night?” one of the straight men asked.

“Fine,” said the other straight one. It had actually been great. He had gone to a bar that he enjoyed and met a man. He had gone home with that man. They had sex and then cuddled as the cold December morning light peeked under the bedroom curtains. They had sex again. They got brunch. He Ubered home. He was never going to talk about this with anyone because that would make it real. But he also couldn’t wait to masturbate. “How was yours?”

“It was good,” said the first one. “Went to Barcade with my buddy. Then we went to Rocka Rolla. Then we went to Union Pool. Then Skinny D. I’m hurting now.”

“Stay strong, brother,” said number 2.

“I will.”

“We’re running low on toilet paper. We should put together an Amazon order soon.”

“Sounds good.”

“Well, enjoy.”

The two straight went back to their bedrooms. They shut their doors.

They turned up their TVS. They sobbed.